if you are my friend, this is how i feel all the time
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oh dreaded friendship
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tricks of the trade
i don’t think i was ever more existentially depressed when i realized this. nothing we make is perfect. holes and dents and stains are in and on everything. how do we, as humans, repair them? we mix up white goop to fake it. good as new
same goes for brakes in cars. how do we stop a quickly spinning wheel? “i dunno… i guess two things could push on the wheel until it stops? and then just get new things when the old ones have been worn down to nubs”
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the blazed accountant
he’s high all the time, but he knows his tax laws. you can’t file any class 4 deductibles without form 420-ez. that’s an audit waiting to happen.
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muscle club
hardbody hardboy is back and he’s just letting you know about health get-togethers beneath the gym. air in the subgym is thick with weight gain powder dust, but that’s okay, you can put a wet towel over your head.
there’s no workout machines down there. just rotten old truck tires to lift and punch. clothes don’t fit no more but it doesn’t matter since we don’t leave. we sleep in the tires like big oily rats.
anyway if it sounds good to you, just let us know
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Saw It For You: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Synopsis. When Batman and Superman first meet, they don’t like each other so much that they have a fight.
Tagline. When Batman and Superman first meet, they don’t like each other so much that they have a fight.
Trivia
- Ben Affleck wanted the role of Batman so badly that he asked director Zack Snyder to kill his parents. “I knew then that I had my Batman,” said Snyder, who had killed Affleck’s parents hours before for reasons unrelated to the movie.
- To prepare for the project, Snyder had an elective lobotomy which removed all memories of the characters Superman and Batman, then had them described to him by a 12-year-old diehard Marvel fan.
- While promoting the movie, Henry Cavill walked around Times Square wearing a Superman t-shirt. When no one seemed to recognize him, he offered this as proof that Clark Kent’s glasses would be enough of a disguise, even though the simpler explanation is that no one cares about Cavill as Superman.
- Director’s trademark: A woman spitting into a man’s mouth to indicate intimacy or trust.
- Six scale models of the Batmobile were built for practical effects shots. The models were 10:1, weighing 50,000 pounds each. A team of tractors was used to open the Batmobile’s 48-foot-tall door. A CGI Ben Affleck was then added to the shot.
- Director’s trademark: A character’s fist angrily striking a tabletop, crushing the fully dressed hot dog they were holding.
- BvS:DoJ marks the first time in DC Comics history that Superman uses the c-word. It is the first line of dialogue.
Mistakes
- Lois Lane does not have a HUD.
- The names “Perry White,” “J. Jonah Jameson,” “Daily Bugle” and “Daily Planet” are used interchangeably.
- In the scene where Superman searches the waterfront, Metropolis is visible across the bay from Metropolis.
- Perhaps in an attempt to update the characters for a modern audience, Batman mentions the “utility apps on [his] dashboard,” which is clearly just his utility belt.
- Superman is often referred to as a boat, apparent in the scene where Batman throws radioactive shards, and Superman “sustains minor hull damage.”
- Characters continually deliver lines and follow them with “and I’m talking to you, not them,” pointing at the character they are addressing. However, it is already commonly accepted that the audience is not being directly addressed by the people in a movie.
- Though the light from Krypton exploding would eventually reach Earth, Batman would not be able to see the death of Superman’s parents on the planet’s surface with the naked eye.
- It seems too convenient that Superman knew he could distract Batman during the climactic fight by pointing at Krypton and shouting “Look, more parents dying.”
- Wonder Woman’s “WW” chest symbol is upside-down.
Memorable Quotes
Clark Kent. So this is Metropolis, the city I just moved to. And this must be the Daily Planet, where I’ll be working with Lois Lane.
Lois Lane. Say, you’re handsome for a new reporter. I’ll be giving you a handjob in the break room.
Clark Kent. (classic Christopher Reeve wink to camera, as a respectful nod to his legacy)
Batman. As long as vigilantes with abilities beyond those of normal people are allowed to operate in secrecy, there can never be a dawn of justice.
Lex Luthor. Poo poo coo coo. Bobo mo mo mo mo.
Superman. An extraordinary foe.
Bruce Wayne. So you must be the new reporter for the Metropolis newspaper. I’m from Gotham City but I had a building here that fell down.
Clark Kent. So that’s why you’re here and not there.
Bruce Wayne. I don’t like your attitude, Kent.
Clark Kent. Prepare to be murdered by Superman.
Wonder Woman. I’m here.
Superman. I kill for fun but think we should make some kind of a, you know. A league of adjudicators.
Batman. For justice. A league, you say?
Superman. Yeah, I like the sound of that… a Justice L —
Wonder Woman. (interrupting, looking into camera) To be continued.
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28 Plays Later – Episode 51: The Short One About Dark Souls 3
A wiped-out Paul and Kris dive into Dark Souls 3, keeping it spoiler-free. Light your bonfire under this short episode, and get ready for a big surprise next week!
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personalize your agent
glad to have you out here, division agents. with your help we can bring order back to these war-torn streets. don’t forget to grab a cowboy hat, scarf, camo sweatpants and black leather dress shoes before you head out
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28 Plays Later – Episode 52 – The One Where We Play Dark Souls 3
In this special episode, Paul and Kris actually cooperatively play the game they’re talking about — and it’s Dark Souls 3! You can listen to just the audio, or watch at Chainsawsuit Original. Despite a video glitch that dealt us a From Software-esque blow, it’s 40 minutes of chopping, flask-drinking, parapet-admiring mischief.
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keeping fit at work
here are some other things you could do to improve your health at work today
- delegate some of your workload to your fully competent team of assistants and helpers
- schedule a vacation day and fly to paris for a massage. you’ve earned it!
- ask management to buy you a $1200 standing desk.
- scale back to part-time! diversify your portfolio by investing in a higher-return blend of stocks and funds to cover — or make more than — the decrease in pay.
- reincarnate yourself in a period in human history that is not this one
28 Plays Later Plays Dark Souls 3!
Check out our special Let’s Play episode of the podcast where Paul and I explore Dark Souls 3!
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keep it fresh in your mouth
go ahead, go nuts on the pasta tonight. only way to be fresher is if you ate the raw dough and boiled it in your stomach.
that’s the slogan for the restaurant. the two sentences up there
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28 Plays Later – Pixels: The Worst 28 Plays Later of All Time
It’s a crossover episode! Which means its canon, people! Paul rented an actual hotel room in which to watch Adam Sandler’s interminable Pixels with Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery from The Worst Idea of All Time podcast! It was an utterly horrific evening, and what you’re about to hear is the heady aftermath.
There’s jokes, exhaustion, and a legitimately jarring mash-up of both show’s theme songs. Enjoy! And don’t forget to subscribe to The Worst Idea of All Time, you toned, chiseled dummos!
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PAX East 2016!!
Hi PAXies — I’ll be at PAX East April 22-24! I’ll be at my table in Bandland when I’m not on panels. So what can you expect to see??
My Pinny Arcade pin this year is a napping Cadavre and his cat Fracture, as seen in the eponymous Broodhollow Courier-Post comic strip. I’ll be selling these at my table, along with a dwinding back catalog of other collectible pins.
And as for panel appearances:
Gosh Darn Fiasco Panel
Fiasco is a tabletop role playing game where terrible things happen. Gosh Darn Fiasco is a podcast where Angela Webber (THE DOUBLECLICKS) and funny people play Fiasco. The Gosh Darn Fiasco Show is a show where Angela and her very funny friends play a very special game-show-style version of Fiasco for your entertainment, with audience interaction, special guests, dice, deaths, goofs, gags, and so on.
Angela Webber [King, The Doubleclicks], Aubrey Webber [President, The Doubleclicks], Richard Malena [Co-Host, GoingLast], Kris Straub [Emperor, Broodhollow], Graham Stark [Champion of the proletariat, Loading Ready Run]
Jackbox at PAX …Box
Do you like Quiplash? Of course you do!
Do you like Jerry Holkins, Kris Straub, Nika Harper, Jeff Gerstmann, and Paul & Storm? Of course you do!
Well you should check out this panel and watch these awesome people play this awesome game. If you are unfamiliar, it’s just gonna be a bunch of hilarious people making snarky responses to questions while you vote on a winner live from your phone.
Jerry Holkins, Kris Straub, Nika Harper, Jeff Gerstmann, Paul and Storm
AppJunkies Live: The Worst Games Ever Made
Join the AppJunkies as they highlight the best of the worst games, straight from the seedy side of the app store. It’s an entirely new lineup of horrible app disasters, so prepare to be amazed (and slightly stunned) at this fast-paced journey through the Land of Absurdity. Often dubbed “the MST3K of B-Grade apps,” it’s an hour of your life you won’t get back. Audience heckling encouraged…at least, for those not rendered speechless.
Seven DeBord [Founder, IndieHangover / RaidWarning / AppJunkies], Kate Welch [Designer, Amazon Games], Brian Hough [Developer, Bleacher Report eSports / RaidWarning], Jacob Wood [EIC, IndieHangover], Kris Straub [Creator, Chainsawsuit Studios], Jenn Bane [Community Director, Cards Against Humanity]
Scared Yet: A Discussion of Horror in Media
Jump scare! Kris Straub (Broodhollow, Candle Cove) and a panel of esteemed horror and video game enthusiasts hold an informal roundtable on where fear works best in gaming and other media, and where it doesn’t make the cut. Come for the frightening… stay for the enlightening. Nope, that was bad. Please delete that.
Kris Straub, Alanah Pearce, Susan Arendt, Cohen Edenfield
Pitch Your Game Idea
You’ve got 45 seconds to deliver your idea to our panel of experts. The top three pitches will be picked for prizes and swag! (Please note: this is an open forum – there’s nothing keeping anyone, judges and attendees alike, from stealing your ideas! If you aren’t comfortable with this, please don’t pitch your game.)
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fhareable momentf
“what a useful beginning to my perusal of the newspaper. i have engaged more fully with this platform”
Movies With Mikey – Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Mikey tackles Mad Max: Fury Road in his latest incredible installment of his movie review series. If you haven’t seen his positive, thoughtful take on great movies yet, this is the one to start with. Subscribe to Chainsawsuit Original for more!
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the hotshot
“this isn’t my first time on the dancefloor, kid. i’m gonna lowball myself so you don’t get mad at me. take it or leave it”
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the dark souls challenge
“now the blood there, i KNOW that’s mine”
I’m at PAX east this weekend in Boston! Here’s my schedule of events and what I’ll be doing there. I’m super excited!
Sleepy Hollow Animated
Finally complete on Chainsawsuit Original, you can now watch ALL of Mikey Neumann’s loving production of Sleepy Hollow from our podcast, animated by Jon Nielsen, and featuring Mikey, myself and TV’s Molly Lewis. Trust me — it goes down smooth, but there’s a tang at the end. Much like any sword in Dark Souls 3.
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28 Plays Later – Episode 54 – The One With Cheatin’ Muggy Duggy
Back in the saddle again! Kris and Paul tackle the idea of cheating in a game — what defines it? Is it always wrong? Especially in the context of the two difficult games they’re playing: Dark Souls 3 and Hyper Light Drifter.
PLUS a look at the hidden talents of Michael Douglas, and a Third Eye Blind retrospective.
Catch Kris this weekend in Boston at PAX East! Here’s where — and be sure to let him know what you think of the episode in person!! Don’t be shy. He can be violent, but he’s very tired.
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roomies
“dude don’t put that ‘every day’ bs on me. you dress up like party hitler every day”
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a streaming requirement
also available: vicks medicated mic covers. soothe that cough and stuffy nose with powerful relief — just sniff, snuffle and breathe right into the microphone, between your half-finished mutterings
PAX East 2016!
If you’re at PAX this weekend, check out my table in Bandland and all my PAX-related comings and goings! Hope to see you there!
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the reformed party man
“no, let me really prove it to you that i can’t do this anymore. and let me know the next time you go out, i can prove it again to be sure. who’s got the next round”
PAX East 2016!
If you’re at PAX this weekend, check out my table in Bandland and all my PAX-related comings and goings! Hope to see you there!
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the julius caesar defense
“if he had devoted his entire life to plotting the murder of his neighbor, why is he not plotting his neighbor’s murder right now? he’s merely sitting there, sweating and benignly twitch-smiling”
from a much worse conversation with @RyanHartmanWins
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